When to Let Go

It’s important for youths to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance from their peers, which is why the general public stresses the idea of friendships. They say a vital part of your high school/middle school experience is developing close bonds with people who shape your personalities and lifestyles. The strong connections created with friends serve as sources which impact choices and behaviour. They can also provide valuable support systems for the tumultuous teenage years. Sometimes these friendships may even last a lifetime.

 So, are there friendships that hurt rather than heal; friendships that bring you down and smother your zeal? Unfortunately, yes. 

 These kinds of friendships have a tendency to camouflage under the cover of justifications and weak excuses. They go unnoticed as their warning signs are often so subtle that you misjudge them for a mistake, a bad day or at worst, your own fault. 

 You'd tell yourself friends are entitled to making mistakes, that it's fine that they've deceived you or openly embarrassed you for a joke; or even lied to you time and time after. It gets to a point where obvious toxic traits become the norm for someone.

 Of course, it's a plausible reaction. People convince themselves of these excuses because it's hard to acknowledge that their friend is pushing a negative mindset on them; or due to the fear of losing them. Some realise it years later while some amidst the moment. Many haven't even realised it yet.

How do you know if you’re in a toxic relationship? 

 To begin with, the relationship ship feels one-sided- you’re giving it your best, but the efforts are usually not reciprocated. A toxic friend talks the talk, but never walks the walk. In other words, they often make promises they can't keep. They back out on you by giving excuses instead of following through with what they've initially preached. They're reckless and oftentimes involve you in situations that make you uncomfortable and regret later on, saying they're just for ‘pleasure.’ In other times, they call you out in front of others, deciding against standing for you; and later halfheartedly apologise.

 Another sign would be feeling forced to showcase a certain personality to satisfy how they see you. You would feel the need to be a different person in fear of them losing interest and it could get remarkably burdensome at times. You feel out of place in these moments. A feeling of dread would begin to rise as you receive a text or an invitation to a place. Even then, you'd feel they prefer others over you.

 If you often compete with them, you're also in the position of a toxic friendship. Be it academic achievements or simple friendly competition, they'll always try to be the centre of attention. To a certain extent, it can spiral to the point where you're finding redemption in letting them go.

 They often guilt-trip you in ways you wouldn't be able to recognise. Either to get what they want or to make you feel like you're in the wrong. Both ways showcase the lack of concern they have over your mental state as well as the underlying self-issues. 

So, when you realise you're the victim in a toxic relationship, what happens next?

Know one thing, these actions and words are not for you. The 'reason' could be as complex as a survival mechanism to overcome difficulties or be as simple as insecurities. Once you realise that this isn’t directed to you, rather their own selves, you’ll break free from the chains of hurt. Does this mean you have to stand the toxic behaviour? Absolutely not.

 The most judicious option would be to talk to them first. Express your concerns and voice your feelings as communication is key. If they offer comfort or pointedly apologise, you're on the right track to mending the bond. It's okay to offer second chances, but ensure that they’re aware of your boundaries, whether it be physical or emotional. 

 However, if said friend proposes excuses or denies any prior event, maybe you should begin distancing yourself from them as to lead to a more comfortable situation for both of you. Explore your surroundings and make new friends- it’s easier said than done, but it’s worth a shot.

 If you're worried about mutual friends, explain the situation to them too. They'll understand and take your worries into consideration and act in both of your favours.

These things always happen with time, and you shouldn’t feel rushed to mend it. Do things at your own pace instead of driving yourself to fix it on the spot. No one can get you out of a toxic relationship until you decide it’s time; until you’re ready to let go. In the end, your thoughts and feelings should matter the most to you, so help yourself. If someone is inflicting a negative emotion, seek a solution. This doesn’t mean to develop enmity with said person, nor does it mean to sever ties. It simply means to give yourself the space you need to grow as an individual and hopefully do the same for others. At the end of the day, you should still have genuine good feelings towards your friend and want what's best for them. Don’t fill yourself with the negativity of hate, life’s too short for that.