TOXIC MASCULINITY: AN ENFORCED STRUGGLE

By: Jasir Syed

Dated: February 11, 2020

We are what is expected of us. I don’t mean to start a philosophical discussion on free will and what it means to be an individual; in my experience, Socratic dialogues only ever lead to existential meltdowns. I’m just making the observation that almost all aspects of our identities can be traced to some sort of standard that is expected of us. By who or what? Well, pretty much everyone and everything has presuppositions for us: family, friends and of course, society. That’s the big one, isn’t it? I’m sure all of us have heard complaints and complained ourselves about all the extra weight society tosses on to us. However, it’s a little ironic; society is nothing more than us individuals as a collective, so in the end, we are somewhat responsible for perpetuating all these needless burdens. Nowhere is this more apparent than our continuous enslavement of young men to the doctrines of toxic masculinity. 

Directing this to all guys reading: ever felt like telling your friends something only to catch yourself at the last second because they might not take you seriously? Or how about quickly rubbing away welling tears because you need to ‘man up’? I’d imagine most of us have. But here’s the question: why? If your response is ‘because it’s unbecoming and emasculating’, then again, I’d ask: based on what? We all have this collective understanding of strength, but we also seemed to have attached random traits to what it means to be strong; things like being excessively domineering or emotionally reclusive. From what I can see, we do these things only because we’re seeing all the other young men around us doing it. Thinking about it earnestly, is there really anything wrong with a man ‘expressing weakness’ as we call it?

The American Psychological Association is just one of many institutions that have pointed out the risk of adhering to common traits of toxic masculinity, especially bottling up emotions. By teaching men to be aggressively independent when it comes to handling emotions, we inadvertently instill a reluctance to seek out help when it’s needed. It should be no surprise, then, that the suicide rate among men is more than double that of women; intriguing considering that statistically, women are more likely to have suicidal thoughts. This ‘gender paradox’ as it is clinically known could have multiple explanations, but the fact that women are also statistically more emotionally expressive could definitely be one of them. 

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be strong, to be a pillar. But your definition of strength doesn’t need to entail toxic traits. There is not a slither of proof, no case nor argument that outlines that to be strong, a man needs to be assertive or mentally isolated or any of the other harmful ideas we’ve come to learn. So, if you’re a guy reading this, don’t be afraid to ask yourself if you’re comfortable doing the things you do. Don’t ever hesitate to say or do something for others only because it's allegedly ‘emasculating’. More than anything, try to reach out more even if you think you already do. It’s not easy feeling vulnerable and we all know that opening up to the wrong person can hurt. But I can also assure you that being able to take that leap to safety is a lot more healthy than remaining trapped in your own mind.